“Guilt is the worst enemy of true happiness and self-esteem. It is indeed the worst thing you can ever do to your soul.” Pamela Baron Waldbauer
Feeling bad about a thoughtless word, an inconsiderate action or causing hurt in any way is natural and human. Everyone feels guilty at some time. It can happen when you realise you’ve harmed someone, made a mistake, or went against your morals. Guilt goes hand-in-hand with feelings of remorse and self-judgment.
Losing someone you love is one of the hardest things any of us will face in our lifetimes, now imagine that loss being intensified by feelings of guilt. Unfortunately, it is common to feel some kind of guilt or regret after losing a loved one.
There are many reasons for experiencing guilt when somebody passes away. Here are a few:
Feeling responsible:
Thinking there is something you could have done to prevent their passing. Noticing an illness sooner, not taking complaints seriously or even having an argument before an accident.
Things unsaid or undone:
This can be as simple as a lunch you missed or an endearment that went unsaid. It can be as complicated as unresolved grievances. When someone passes after estrangement or an ongoing family dispute, feelings of regret can be overwhelming.
Relief or joy:
When a loved one has been ill or suffering before their passing, a sense of relief is only natural, but it can make you feel sad and guilty. You might also find yourself experiencing a moment of joy – unrelated to your loss – and catch yourself thinking it is wrong to feel anything other than grief.
Just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you really are guilty. Grief has a way of making us completely irrational. We dissect every moment of time with our loved ones, and we consider every imaginable thing we could, would, or should have done. Our irrational brain will find the smallest thing to feel guilty about. Despite being irrational, this guilt can be consuming, and adding guilt and regret to your grieving process is a heavy burden.
There are ways to deal with and overcome it:
Find the source
Consider what your guilt is all about. Is it rational or not?
If your feelings of guilt are irrational, admit it. It doesn’t mean you’re dismissing them; you’re simply acknowledging that you may not actually be guilty even though you feel guilty. Ask yourself:
- Did I do the best I could with the information I had at the time?
- Could I have predicted the future?
- Were there other factors at play?
The answers can help you understand where the guilt comes from and the best way to manage it. When you are honest about your emotions, you can deal with them productively.
Talk about your feelings
Don’t bottle it up. Dealing with feelings of guilt is a lot easier when you recognise and discuss how you’re feeling. Think about talking about your feelings with someone you trust. If possible, and if needed, get professional help, even if it is just for the time being.
Stop the negative self-talk
Criticising yourself will only make you feel worse. It can also be damaging to your physical and mental well-being. Be aware of your internal dialogue and how you are talking to yourself. Try to shift to positive self-talk instead. Replace “I’m an awful person” with “I am a good person who made a mistake” or “I did my best during the time under circumstances”.
Guilt can make you link your behaviour to who you are as a person. Try to remember that your behaviour – perceived or real – doesn’t define who you are.
Work through it
Usually, if you feel bad about hurting someone or their feelings, you could apologise and try to find forgiveness. When your loved one has passed away, you no longer have the opportunity to do that in the physical sense, but you can still rid yourself of the burden.
Get yourself in a space to truly focus on thinking about your loved one. Imagine telling them how you feel – your regrets, your guilt, all of it. If there are things you wish you had said, say them. Then imagine what your loved one would tell you.
If you find that difficult, try writing everything down in a letter. Afterwards, you can rip it up or burn it to help bring closure.
There’s no way to change the past, but thinking about what you could have done differently can help you avoid regretful feelings in the future. How would you behave if you had the chance to turn back the clock? Take some time to figure out what your guilt has taught you, learn from it and take those lessons into your other relationships.
Forgive yourself
The reality is that we all mess up sometimes. We make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes have consequences. Sometimes, we fail to do things we wish we had done or should have done. It could be as small as something hurtful we said or something meaningful we failed to say.
Missing the chance to fix things will always be regretful. There are things you can’t change, and that’s okay.
