When a parent is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia, it often feels like the beginning of a long, painful goodbye. The person you’ve always known and loved begins to fade away, and while they are still physically present, their personality, memories, and abilities slowly slip through your fingers. This dual reality of physical presence and psychological absence can be deeply distressing and confusing, leading to a unique and profound form of grief.
Understanding the Grief
Grieving a parent who is still alive is a complex and personal journey. This process often includes stages of denial, anger, guilt, sadness, and acceptance. However, these stages do not follow a linear path. You may find yourself cycling through different emotions as you navigate the changes in your parent’s condition.
Denial might manifest as hoping for a miraculous recovery or convincing yourself that the symptoms aren’t as severe as they seem. Anger can be directed at the disease, at the situation, or even at the parent for becoming ill. Guilt often follows, with thoughts of not doing enough or feeling resentment towards the caregiving demands. Sadness is a constant companion, mourning the loss of the relationship and the future that will never be. Acceptance comes gradually as you learn to adapt to the new reality.
Coping with the Changes
- Face Your Feelings: Acknowledge and accept your emotions, whether they are positive or negative. Allow yourself to feel sad, guilty, or angry without judgment. These feelings are a natural part of the grieving process.
- Seek Support: Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. This could be a friend, a family member, or a therapist. Joining a support group, either in person or online, can also provide a safe space to share experiences and receive encouragement from others who understand what you’re going through.
- Embrace the Role Reversal: As your parent’s condition progresses, you’ll find yourself taking on a caregiver role, which can be both exhausting and emotionally challenging. Try to stay open to developing a new type of relationship with your parent, one based on the current reality rather than the past.
- Educate Yourself: Understanding the disease can help you manage your expectations and reduce frustration. Learn about dementia and Alzheimer’s from reliable sources, attend caregiver workshops, and consult healthcare professionals to gain insights into best practices for daily care.
- Establish Routines: Routines can help reduce anxiety for both you and your parent. Keeping a consistent schedule for daily activities provides a sense of stability and predictability, which can be comforting.
- Practice Therapeutic Fabrication: Sometimes stepping into your parent’s altered reality can bring them comfort. If they believe you are someone else or have a different understanding of the world, gently go along with it when possible. This approach can reduce their anxiety and create more harmonious interactions.
- Prepare for the future: Having difficult conversations with family and loved ones early and putting a clear plan in place for when the inevitable time comes for you to lay your loved one to rest can be empowering, removing stress and possible conflict at a time of intense emotions.
Finding Meaning and Joy
Despite the challenges, caring for a parent with dementia can offer moments of profound connection and personal growth. Finding joy in small, meaningful activities can help maintain a positive outlook.
- Engage in Enjoyable Activities: Involve your parent in activities they once loved, adapted to their current abilities. This might include listening to their favourite music, looking through old photos, or taking short walks together.
- Include Them in Family Life: Show your parent they are still a valued member of the family. Share updates, involve them in gatherings (while being mindful of their limits), and create opportunities for positive interactions.
- Seek Professional Help: If the emotional burden becomes overwhelming, seek help from a professional counsellor. Therapy can provide strategies for managing stress and processing grief in a healthy way.
- Take Care of Yourself: Your well-being is crucial. Ensure you have time for yourself each day, maintain your physical health with regular exercise and balanced nutrition, and seek emotional support when needed.
Acceptance and Moving Forward
Acceptance does not mean giving up or loving your parent any less. It means recognising the reality of their condition and adjusting your expectations and interactions accordingly. It involves finding new ways to connect with and care for your parent while also taking care of your own needs and emotional health.
Embracing the present moment and the person your parent is now can open up new avenues for love and connection. Though the journey is undoubtedly painful, it can also be a time of deep, heartfelt experiences and personal growth. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Reach out, seek support, and take each day one step at a time.
Contact a Sonja Smith Funeral Group representative for guidance and support in creating a personalised end-of-life arrangement.
