When someone you love passes away, it can feel like the world has come to a standstill. Yet, despite the initial shock and the need to make arrangements for the funeral, you somehow manage to get through it.
Even though it may seem impossible for the world to continue without your loved one, it does. It has to. While you may find it hard to imagine sorting through their personal possessions, you will eventually need to face that task. Just as there is no “right” way to grieve, there is no “right” time to begin this process, either. Unfortunately, most of us do not have the luxury of leaving things as they are.
Sorting through a lifetime of someone else’s possessions can be incredibly stressful, especially if you’re on a tight timeframe. It’s important to remember that it took your loved one a lifetime to gather these items, so sorting through everything in a single day is not feasible. This means that while you may not have all the time you wish you had, taking as much time as you can afford is essential.
Every person, family, and circle of friends is unique, but several guidelines and ideas can help make this process a little easier.
The Important Things
Hopefully, your loved one had a life file in place. A life file will have all their important documents, from essential identification documents and accounts requiring closing or transfer to their final Will, life insurance policies and more.
If your loved one didn’t have a life file in place, consider setting aside all their documents first as you work through their belongings and sort it all out as soon as possible. You will need this to get all their administrative affairs in order.
Plan the process
The sorting process will never be easy, so planning will help you sort through what needs to be done. At some stage, you will be overwhelmed and emotional, but a plan will give you something solid to return to.
- Choose a day or days when you won’t have to rush and allow time for rest during and afterwards.
- Work out how much room there is for your loved ones’ belongings in your space and that of family and friends.
- Decide whether you will be donating or selling some possessions.
Involve the Family
Chances are that you aren’t the only one who loved the person who passed. Not including them could lead to conflict, so consider getting a mediator if necessary.
Reach out to family members who can’t be present and ask them in advance to be very specific about what they’d like to keep. They might have sentimental feelings about items you don’t value as much, or they may want to keep family heirlooms. Do your best to accommodate them, but within reason – it is also important to look after your needs during this process.
Get help
Getting close friends or extended family members to assist can be helpful since they are somewhat removed from the situation. People are often desperate to help, but they don’t know how.
Delegate the highly emotional tasks, like clearing out the everyday reminders that are especially distressing for you. If you can’t bring yourself to throw away half-empty shampoo bottles, to-do lists and medications, find someone who can. These are small and painful reminders of the absence in the house, but you might find it very hard to see them in the trash.
If you feel you still need help, there are businesses that specialise in clearing out house contents. They will manage the process for a fee. They also have contacts for disposing of household items.
Having someone to work with you can motivate you and give you emotional support.
Be methodical
When sorting through the emotionally charged belongings of a loved one, being methodical can help a lot. Have an idea of the order in which you want to go through things – room-by-room can be a good way to start. No plan can be overwhelming and lead to more stress and sadness.
Divide everything into 5 main categories (more or less – it’s up to you):
- Keep
- Sell
- Donate
- Recycle
- Throw Away
- Not Sure
Gather boxes and label them with your categories.
Try to be realistic about your “Keep” boxes, you don’t have to hold on to everything. Don’t feel guilty about throwing broken things away, either. If you really can’t decide what to do with some things, use the “Not Sure” box and go through them again at another time.
To avoid getting overwhelmed, start with the easy stuff. Things you’re not emotionally attached to or plan to give to someone else. Move on to the harder stuff when you are ready.
Using a “step-by-step” approach also makes things less painful. Maybe start with just half a wardrobe or a few drawers. The main thing is that you have started and are moving forward.
Be Kind to Yourself
Coming to terms with the passing of a loved one is part of the grief journey, so be kind to yourself during this process. Dealing with a loved one’s possessions is an overwhelming task, but it can also be healing. Surrounding yourself with people who love and support you is ideal, but it’s also important to process your emotions as much as possible.
Try not to second-guess your decisions, avoid feeling regretful and remind yourself that possessions don’t define relationships; memories do.
You can also use this time to reflect on your own life and what you will be leaving behind the day you pass along. Consider taking stock of your own life and belongings. Knowing what you know now, you will understand, for example, the difference something as simple as having a life file can make for those you love and leave behind.
