Grief is universal.
We have all had at least one encounter with grief. We don’t only experience grief when we lose a loved one. Losing your job, a relationship, your home, or any loss or change that alters life as you know it brings about grief.
Grief is personal.
Nobody can tell you how, when or for how long you are supposed to grieve. There is no rulebook. Each of us will find our own way through it, over it or around it. You may cry, become angry, withdraw, or feel empty. Nothing is unusual or wrong.
Grief is random.
It doesn’t follow any timelines or schedules. It’s not very neat or linear. It comes and goes. It chooses its own path. You might think you are “over it” and everything is fine, then all of a sudden you aren’t and it isn’t.
Grief ebbs and flows.
It is like the waves of the ocean; it comes and goes. There are highs and lows, continuous waves…
In 1969, a Swiss-American psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote in her book “On Death and Dying” that grief could be divided into five stages. Over time, two more stages were added.
The seven stages of grief are:
- Shock And Denial
You are overwhelmed, in a state of disbelief and completely numb.
Many people respond to feelings by pretending it isn’t happening.
Denial gives you time to try to gradually absorb the news and process it.
It’s a common defence mechanism that helps numb you to the intensity of the situation.
Once you move out of the denial stage, the emotions will begin to rise.
That is part of the journey of grief, but it can be difficult. - Pain & Guilt
The loss is unbearable.
You feel responsible.
You feel guilty for making other people’s lives harder because of your feelings and needs. - Anger & Bargaining
Anger is masking and hiding the emotions and pain that you carry.
This anger could also be redirected at other people, the person who died, your ex, your old boss, inanimate objects…
You might not experience this stage of grief; you might linger here.
You may lash out, telling God or a higher power that you’ll do anything to find relief.
In the bargaining stage, you may find yourself creating a lot of “what if” and “if only” statements.
Bargaining helps you postpone the sadness, confusion and hurt. - Depression
Anger and bargaining can feel active, and depression can feel like a quiet stage of grief.
You are now processing and reflecting on the loss.
You could be isolating yourself to cope.
It isn’t easy or well-defined; it can be difficult, messy and overwhelming.
If you feel stuck here or can’t move past this stage of grief, please talk to a mental health expert. - The Upward Turn
The anger and pain have died down.
You’re in a more calm and relaxed state. - Reconstruction And Working Through It
You can begin to put pieces of your life back together and move forward. - Acceptance & Hope
You are gradually accepting the new way of life.
Acceptance is not necessarily happy or uplifting.
You haven’t moved past the grief or loss, but you’re accepting it and understanding what it means in your life.
Acceptance is a way to see that there may be more good days than bad.
There may still be bad days, but that’s okay.
Remember, emotions tend to come and go.
You may miss a stage or come back to it later, and that’s also okay.
You may remain in one of the stages of grief for months but skip others entirely.
You may begin coping with loss in the bargaining stage and find yourself in anger or denial next.
The key to understanding grief is realising that nobody has the same experience.
You might experience it differently every time.
It could take weeks or years…
Remember, holding it in won’t make it disappear.
You can’t avoid grief.
You must address it to heal from a loss and move on.
Please, if you’re having trouble processing your grief, get professional help.
