When parents lose a baby, they lose the person they had already started to love, along with all the special plans that had grown around them: choosing a name, picking the colour of the room, the cot still in its box, the playful arguments about whose nose the baby would have, and so much more.
In times gone by, that love had nowhere to go. Babies lost early in pregnancy were taken away without their parents being asked what they wanted, and families went home with empty arms and no way to say goodbye. Friends weren't sure whether to mention it, and some parents were told, with the best intentions, that they could always try again.
Love doesn't wait for a due date
Whether a baby is lost at 12 weeks, at 30 weeks or a few days after birth, the love is already there, and so is the grief. Parents grieve the picture they had of a life that will now never become a reality for them. When the world around them carries on as though nothing has happened, that grief can feel lonely and invisible, as if they are being asked to mourn in secret.
Recognising a baby's life, no matter how brief, changes that. It tells parents their baby existed and was loved, and that they are allowed to grieve this loss, which is sometimes not recognised by society.
Small ways of saying hello and goodbye
There is no right way to honour a baby, and nothing has to be decided in a rush. Depending on the circumstances, some parents find comfort in holding their baby, bathing them, or dressing them in a carefully chosen outfit. Others take photographs, keep the hospital bracelet or a soft blanket, or give their baby a name. These moments can feel almost too hard at the time, yet parents later tell us they hold them close.
A funeral or memorial can be part of this too. For some families it is a small, private moment with just the two parents. For others it is a gathering of grandparents, aunts, close friends and the people who would have been godparents, all there to say together that this little life mattered.
Letting grief begin
Saying goodbye gives grief a starting point. Parents have shared that the service, however small, was the first time they felt others saw their baby, and the first time they could cry openly, surrounded by the people who love them.
A farewell also gives family and friends a way to show up. Instead of wondering what to say, they can stand beside the parents, bring flowers, and say the baby's name out loud.
We encourage parents to be part of the planning, at whatever pace feels manageable. Relatives sometimes step in to spare them the pain, and they do it out of love, but parents who were left out have told us they wish they had been more involved. Through our aftercare, we can also put you in touch with support groups for bereaved parents, so you don't have to carry this alone.
Every baby can be honoured
The Voice of the Unborn Baby is a cause close to Sonja Smith's heart, because we believe every parent should be able to honour their baby, no matter how early in pregnancy that baby was lost. Today, parents who lose a baby before 26 weeks can choose a burial or cremation with or without a funeral service, just as parents of babies born later can. If you want to consider this option, let the hospital staff know as early as you can, and we will help with the rest.
If someone you love has lost a baby
Say the baby's name. You might worry that it will upset them, but for most parents, hearing their baby's name from someone else is a comfort. Remember the due date and the anniversary with a short message, and keep checking in after the first few weeks, once the meals and visits have slowed.
If you have lost your baby and would like to talk about a farewell, we are here whenever you are ready. Reach out to us, and we will go at your pace.
