“Friends are the family we choose, and losing one feels like losing a part of oneself.” — Author Unknown
Close friendships bring joy, understanding and companionship to our lives. They can be vital to our health and wellbeing, so it’s no wonder we can feel their loss so gravely.
Even though they are indeed “the family we choose”, it can be easy to feel marginalised. Other people might not give the closeness of your relationship the same significance as a family member or romantic partner.
A member of our team recently lost a friend, and this is what she wrote:
“I called him Dear Dan, and he called me Dear Sam. Decades separated us in age, but when we met for the first time, we just knew. We knew that we were of the same tribe. We clicked together like two Lego blocks, and this was going to be a forever friendship. I don’t think either of us thought that forever would be over so soon. Not on this earth, anyway…
I make friends easily, but this was unique, even for me. Our conversations on his patio became deep almost immediately. We shared the kind of thoughts, opinions and feelings normally saved for much later in a friendship. We also laughed a great deal! And, just like Jeremiah the Bullfrog, he served some mighty fine wine.
I moved away from the town we shared, so we didn’t see each other as often as I would have liked, but we talked regularly. He also had an uncanny knack for knowing when I needed his wise voice.
In the week of his passing, he was constantly on my mind, but I was too busy to call. That breaks my heart. Was anything I needed to do really so important that it couldn’t wait for ten minutes? Of course, it wasn’t. And if I knew I’d never have the opportunity to hear his voice again, nothing on earth would have been more important than making that call.
That got me thinking… Why wait? Why wait to reach out, check in and just say, “Hi! I’m thinking about you.” And I made a resolution, not for the new year or this year, but for every single day. From now on, I will not wait. I will make that call or send that message and I will do it right away.
I will always miss him, but I think he would smile and toast the fact that his passing might make everyone in my life feel more loved more often. Cheers, Dan!”
When you experience the loss of a friend, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and personal. You don’t have to justify or explain them to anyone else or even to yourself. When your loss is devalued, or you feel judged for feeling it so deeply, it can lead to what is called disenfranchised grief. This is grief that occurs when a loss is not acknowledged, validated or supported by society. Experiencing disenfranchised grief may lead to feeling unsupported or unworthy of your grief. Symptoms include feeling numb, bitter, a loss of purpose or motivation and unable to feel joy.
Whatever your relationship with the person who passed away, it’s important to remember that we all grieve in different ways. There’s no single way to react. When you lose a friend, feeling how you feel is okay. Some people express their pain by crying, others never shed a tear—but that doesn’t mean they feel the loss any less.
Allow yourself to feel. The mourning process can trigger many intense and unexpected emotions. But the pain won’t go away faster if you ignore it. That may only make things worse in the long run. To eventually find a way to come to terms with your loss, you’ll need to actively face the pain. As bereavement counsellor and writer Earl Grollman put it, “The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
Prepare for painful reminders. Some days, the pain will be more manageable than others. Then a reminder, such as a photo, a piece of music, or a simple memory, can trigger a wave of painful emotions again. While you can’t plan ahead for such reminders, you can be prepared for an upcoming holiday, anniversary or birthday that may reignite your grief. Talk to other friends and family ahead of time and agree on the best ways to mark such occasions.
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting your friend. Finding a way to continue with your life doesn’t mean your pain will end or your friend will be forgotten. Most of us carry our losses with us throughout life; they become part of who we are. The pain should gradually become easier to bear, but the memories and the feelings you had for the person will always remain.
“While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil.” – John Taylor
