“Nothing that grieves us can be called little; by the external laws of proportion a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s loss of a crown are events of the same size.” – Mark Twain
Most of us probably think of grief as related to the loss of a loved one or a pet, but there are many other types of loss that can cause grieving. Here are a few examples of the kinds of grief a person could experience other than grief from a passing:
Secondary Loss
Losing a loved one can create an impact that leads to another loss, affecting several areas of your life. Those losses are considered a secondary loss. For example, a change in finances or loss of living arrangements. Or, you lose your identity as a parent after losing a child, adding to your pain. Secondary losses compound the initial grief and need to be considered as you work through your emotions.
Grief For Personal Goals
A different type of loss is losing our vision for the future. When life doesn’t meet our expectations or hopes, we mourn for what we didn’t achieve. This could be anything from an inability to become a parent, not getting into a dream university or a deviation from your intended career path. Grief for “what should have been” is more than just disappointment; allowing ourselves time to grieve will help us process those feelings and move forward.
Loss Of Independence
Imagine having a degenerative illness and no longer being able to care for yourself independently. It would be perfectly natural to grieve for the loss of control over your everyday life. This kind of grief can happen to anyone who has to rely on others for help, whether it’s health-related, assistance with finances or any situation where you no longer can fully care for yourself. Lack of personal autonomy is a different type of grief that many people will experience, especially as we inevitably age.
Loss Of Safety
Physical and emotional safety is essential to our overall wellbeing. When those are disrupted — by abuse, robbery, divorce, housing insecurity or any traumatic experience — you may experience stress and anxiety. In those moments, it’s normal to grieve for your lost sense of safety.
Grief For Lost Identity
We identify ourselves by many different roles and relationships. We think of ourselves as a spouse, a parent, an independent person, a scholar, a doctor, a tennis player, a vegetarian, a member of a religious organisation or any label that gives us a sense of self and purpose. When one of those affiliations changes suddenly, it’s normal to experience grief for losing that identity. Whether the loss was our decision or not, examining how we see ourselves can cause feelings of uncertainty and grief for what was.
Just like there are many reasons to grieve, there are many types of grief. Each type reflects the unique ways you respond to loss. It’s essential to recognise that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving. You can also experience a combination of these types or a transition between them as you work your way through your emotions.
“We need to normalise grief in all its forms and be curious about the experiences of others before making judgments.” – Hannah Mayderry
Normal Grief:
Everyone experiences grief uniquely, so there isn’t a true definition of “normal grief.” Instead, this category describes the type of grief where someone may experience intense physical, emotional and behavioural reactions for a limited time. They will appear to be dealing with their grief in a healthy way and are moving towards acceptance, even if that process is slow.
Anticipatory Grief:
This occurs when you know a loss is imminent, such as when a loved one is terminally ill. The grief starts as soon as you accept that the loss will occur, even before it happens. Unfortunately, anticipatory grief can make it challenging to enjoy the time you have left. Conscious efforts to process your anticipatory grief can put you in a healthier state of mind when the loss actually happens.
Complicated Or Prolonged Grief:
This usually occurs when a loss is sudden or traumatic and when the grief is more intense than other types. This intense sadness lasts a long time, making it hard to cope and move forward. There are three subtypes of complicated grief:
Chronic Grief
This type of grief is when someone experiences intense reactions that don’t get better over time. The distress may even intensify rather than lessen. A person with chronic grief should get professional help.
Delayed Grief
Grief doesn’t always follow a timetable and some people could find that their feelings are delayed. When this happens, it can be puzzling and lonely, especially when you see others grieve in a more “normal” way.
Absent Grief
People who have this type of grief can be completely unaware that they are grieving due to the lack of emotional response or symptoms such as deep sadness, guilt or regret. This often happens as a result of someone being in deep denial about the loss or wanting to avoid the emotional upheaval that results from losing someone.
Disenfranchised Grief:
This refers to grief that is not openly acknowledged or socially validated. It can occur when you experience a loss that society doesn’t recognise as significant, such as the death of a pet, a miscarriage or the loss of a non-traditional relationship.
Another example is people not validating your feelings about the death of a sibling, an ex, a co-worker or someone from whom you were estranged when they passed. People might say things like “you weren’t that close” or “you didn’t like that person,” making it feel like you aren’t supposed to grieve.
It’s essential to be aware of disenfranchised grief so you can recognise it when it happens and allow yourself the time and space to grieve as you see fit.
Conclusion:
Whatever type of grief you experience, you should know that you aren’t alone. You should also know that if you are experiencing grief in an unexpected way, there is nothing wrong with you.
Support is out there if you need it. Besides reaching out to a mental health professional for support, there are organisations that can help you and guide you toward appropriate support.
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