Most of us know we should have it, but we keep finding reasons not to. The conversation about what we would want, or what our loved ones would want, when the time comes, tends to get pushed aside for another day, a time when things are less busy, when the moment feels less awkward, when someone else brings it up first.
That time rarely comes, and families are left to make some of the most important and lasting decisions of their lives at the hardest possible moment, under pressure, with no idea of what the person they loved actually wanted.
Having this conversation while everyone is well and there is no urgency is one of the kindest things a family can do for each other. Even though it may seem that way, it is not morbid. It is not giving up on anyone. It is simply choosing to take care of the people you love before the need arises.
Why We Avoid It
The reluctance is completely understandable. For some people, talking about these things feels like tempting fate. For others, it brings up fears they would rather not sit with. Many worry about upsetting a parent or partner just by raising it. Some simply don’t know how to begin.
There is also a cultural dimension that is worth mentioning. In many South African families and communities, this is not a topic that gets discussed openly around the table. It is something that arrives and is dealt with, but planning for it in advance can feel presumptuous or even disrespectful. This means that even families who are close and communicative in most areas of life often have a significant silence around this one.
But the weight of that silence tends to fall on those left behind. When there are no instructions, no documented wishes, and no shared understanding of what someone would have wanted, families are left to guess, sometimes disagree, and carry the uncertainty of never quite knowing whether they got it right.
What the Conversation Actually Covers
This does not need to be a single, formal conversation. For most families, it works better as a series of smaller, more natural ones, returning to different aspects over time rather than trying to cover everything at once.
Some of the most important things to talk about are funeral preferences: whether someone would like to be buried or cremated, what kind of service they would want, and where they would like to be laid to rest. These are the questions that families struggle most to answer on their own, and they are often the ones that matter most. Knowing even the broad outlines of what someone would have wanted makes planning a funeral feel less like guesswork and more like an act of love.
Financial matters are equally important to talk about. Who knows where the important documents are kept? Is there a will, and does someone know where to find it? Is there funeral cover in place, and does the family know how to access it? What about other policies, accounts, and assets? The financial matters that need to be
attended to after losing someone can feel overwhelming for families who have no prior knowledge of what existed or where anything is held. Importantly, in today’s digital world, how to access online accounts and apps and how to close down a loved-one’s digital presence. Having access the digital passwords of a loved one is a matter of high trust but very significant when they are no longer around.
There are also the more personal wishes that don’t fit neatly into any category: who should be contacted, what should happen to meaningful possessions, whether there are things a person would want the chance to say or resolve while there is still time to do so.
A Practical Place to Start
One of the simplest and most useful things anyone can do is put together what is commonly called a life file: a document that brings together all the essential information a family might one day need. This includes personal details, financial and insurance information, important contacts, account details, and any wishes or instructions for the future. Sonja Smith Elite Funeral Group offers a free life file template that you can request here. The peace of mind it offers, for the person filling it in and for the family who may one day need it, is hard to put a value on.
A completed life file is also a natural starting point for the broader conversation. Going through it together, or simply letting a family member know that it exists and where to find it, opens the door without requiring anyone to announce that a difficult conversation is underway.
How to Begin
There is no perfect way to start. The most important thing is simply to start.
Some people find it easier to raise the topic through someone else’s experience: a friend who recently lost a parent and was grateful their wishes had been written down, or a family who faced real difficulty because nothing had been arranged in advance. Others find it easier to frame it around their own thinking: ‘I’ve been thinking about what I would want, and I realised I haven’t told anyone.’ That kind of opening tends to feel less confronting than asking someone else directly, and it often invites a natural, reciprocal conversation.
Choosing a calm, unhurried moment matters. Not in the middle of a stressful week, not at a large family gathering where the subject feels exposed, but in a quiet, ordinary moment when there is space to talk properly.
It also helps to be honest about why you are raising it: not to dwell on what is ahead, but to make sure that the people who matter most to you are not left alone and without guidance at one of the hardest times of their lives.
When Someone Is Reluctant
Not everyone will be ready to have this conversation the first time it comes up, and that is worth respecting. Pushing too hard tends to close things down rather than open them up. It is enough to let someone know you would like to talk when they feel ready, and to leave the door open.
For some people, the most helpful approach is not a conversation at all, at first, but something more concrete: sharing the life file template, leaving a book on the subject
somewhere visible, or simply mentioning that you have started getting your own affairs in order. Actions tend to make the topic feel more normal and less weighted than a deliberate, announced discussion.
The Gift of Having Done It
Families who have had this conversation before losing someone often describe it as one of the most valuable things they did together. Not because it was easy, but because of what it meant: that they cared enough to have it, that nothing important was left unsaid, and that when the time came, they were able to honour their loved one properly rather than being left to wonder.
It is also a gift to yourself. Knowing that the people you love will not be left without guidance, that your wishes are known and your affairs are in order, is a particular kind of peace that very few other things can offer.
The conversation does not have to be long. It does not have to cover everything at once. It just has to happen. If you found any value in reading this article, then you may want to read What to Leave Behind for Your Children and Loved Ones and Understanding the Role of the Executor in a Deceased Estate.
