The 16th of December is the Day of Reconciliation in South Africa.
It is a day to “share our similarities and celebrate our differences. An opportunity to renew our relations, forgive each other and make amends after a disagreement,” according to Government sources.
That got me thinking…
As we make our way through life, we connect, get close to people, and sometimes, disconnect. We drift in opposite directions. Sometimes, it is not a drift, but a purposeful collision and a race away. Nothing lasts forever. Somewhere along the way, we lose friends, partners and even family members.
You can’t choose your family, that’s true. But, no matter how much time has passed or how distant you’ve become, family “reintroduces each of us to our former selves”. Siblings, especially, are woven into the fabric of each other’s lives like Granny’s quilt.
The reality is that most of us want our family relationships to be better. We do our best to make them work. But when the rock won’t move, not even a little after all attempts, you might find yourself accepting that the only way forward is to have no relationship. And so, you do what you have to do to look after your own mental well-being and peace of mind.
And then – out of the blue – you find yourself thinking about them. Or you watch a movie where the siblings have each other’s backs and protect and love each other. Suddenly, the tears are running down your cheeks, and you wish you could have them back!
The family reconciliation professionals tell me that whatever the reason for your estrangement, the no-contact approach doesn’t have to last forever. Reconciliation isn’t for everyone – for good reason – “but some people do mature, heal, and evolve, making it possible to start a new or different relationship together.”
We’re all human. Our ‘humanness’ requires our grace and forgiveness. It also requires accountability and ownership. And you can’t have one without the other to move forward.
If you’re thinking about reconciliation, then ask yourself the following questions:
- Why is this relationship important to me — not to my family or to anyone else, but to me?
- Do we have enough in common — including a desire to make all this effort worthwhile?
- Can I put the anger, pain, or resentment behind me?
- Do I want to heal this relationship if I find out that neither of us has changed?
- Will I compromise too much of myself if I try to reconcile?
Here are some pointers from several experts to help you get through a conversation or a meeting:
Stay in the Present
If you want reconciliation, rather than pointing fingers or airing resentments, you have to put the past in the past. Don’t dredge up your anger from past experiences. Put away childhood hurts, perceptions and labels. Accept the person as he or she is now. Focus on the present and the future.
Be Clear and Listen
It can be very hard to change the way you communicate if you’ve built a pattern in the past. Use a positive tone and avoid sarcasm, insults, or disrespect. Don’t be confrontational. ‘You always’ statements will make anyone defensive; use ‘I feel’ messages instead. Give each other time to speak, listen and think before responding. Practice active listening. Rather than preparing your answer, try to understand what the other person is saying and ask questions to check that you understand them correctly. Avoid the triggers – yours and the other person’s.
Check your Ego
You don’t need to prove that you are right. Explain your feelings without judgment. If you want a new or different kind of relationship, give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Chances are that you won’t get an apology, so don’t go in expecting one. Most therapists recommend that you don’t wait for an apology before reconciling.
Be Honest
Being honest doesn’t mean being hurtful. Talk about your differences honestly. It’s okay to remember things differently and accept each other’s point of view. If you can, be brave, be vulnerable. Open up and share your feelings if you feel safe doing so.
Be Patient
Manage your expectations. A few conversations aren’t going to sort out a lifetime of resentment. Use gentle phrases like ‘remember when,’ which will remind your family member of your unique relationship and what you shared long ago. Try to connect as if you are talking to a friend. Look for common ground, even if there isn’t much.
There’s no manual for reconciling with estranged family and no certainty about what will happen after you let that person back into your life.
You can accept their struggles and limitations without reconciling with them. You don’t have to put yourself back in difficult situations if it doesn’t feel safe or worth it to you. You can always change your mind.
But you can also hope for reconciliation, unity and harmony!
