Sonja Smith recently sat down with Christine Ferreira from Met Hart en Siel on Radio Pulpit, discussing a few aspects of saying goodbye to loved ones when they pass away. One of these aspects discussed was about helping children through the loss of a loved one.
As much as we wish we could, we cannot fully protect our children from the pain of losing someone they love. And perhaps we shouldn’t try either. At some point, most children will experience loss—whether it’s a family member, a friend, or even a beloved pet. While grief is never easy, guiding children through it with care and understanding can help them develop the emotional tools they need to navigate life’s challenges.
How Do Children Grieve?
Every child’s experience with grief is unique. Their response will depend on their age, emotional maturity, relationship with the person who has passed away, cultural background, and the support they receive from those around them.
- Children under 5 may not fully understand that death is permanent and might ask when the person is coming back.
- Children aged 6 to 11 begin to grasp that death is final and may start to worry about losing other loved ones.
- By age 12, children typically understand that death is irreversible and that it happens to everyone.
When adults around them are grieving too, it can be even more difficult for children to process their own emotions. However, with open communication and reassurance, they can learn to navigate their feelings in a healthy way.
How Can You Help?
Talk About It
Creating a safe and comforting environment for conversation is essential.
- Use clear and direct language. Psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour suggests saying: “I have some very sad news to share. Your grandparent has passed away. That means their body has stopped working, and we won’t see them again.”
- Express your own feelings in words—this can help children feel safe to share theirs.
- Ask them how they feel, but allow them to express emotions at their own pace.
- Be honest, while ensuring that explanations are age-appropriate.
- Help them understand that:
- Unlike cartoon characters, the person isn’t coming back.
- Once someone passes away, they are no longer in pain.
- Death is a natural part of life.
- Explain the cause of death simply and gently, without unnecessary details.
- Address any feelings of guilt or blame—some children may worry they somehow caused the loss.
- Reassure them that all emotions are valid and that they don’t have to hide their feelings.
What Not to Say
Children interpret language very literally, so choosing the right words is important:
- Avoid saying someone has “gone to sleep” or “gone away,” as this may cause fear around sleeping or travelling.
- Phrases like “lost someone” can be confusing for young minds.
- Well-meaning but vague reassurances such as “At least they are not suffering anymore” or “You need to be strong now” may not be helpful.
- Comparisons to your own experiences of grief can unintentionally shift the focus away from the child’s feelings.
Explain What to Expect
Funerals and memorial services can be overwhelming, so preparing children for what will happen can help them cope.
- Let them know that people may be very sad or emotional.
- Explain the burial or cremation process in a way that aligns with your family’s beliefs.
- If there will be a gathering afterwards, help them understand its purpose.
Give Them a Role
Allowing children to participate in some way can help them feel included. Simple gestures like picking a song, drawing a picture, or reading a short message can be meaningful. However, participation should always be optional.
Offer Comfort and Reassurance
- Encourage your child to talk about their loved one. Sharing memories can be an important part of healing.
- Listen to their concerns and validate their emotions.
- Some children may experience sleep difficulties or increased anxiety. Offer extra support and reassurance that things will get better with time.
- Remind them that asking for help—whether from a trusted adult, support group, or counsellor—is okay.
While we cannot shield children from every painful experience, we can support them through their grief with kindness and understanding. Just like adults, children need time and space to process loss. Encouraging them to express their emotions, ask questions, and remember their loved ones can help them navigate this difficult time with resilience.
For example, letting your child know that crying is a natural way to release emotions and encouraging journaling or talking to a trusted adult can help them process their grief in a healthy way.
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